I heard we made out
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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