I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
