I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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