what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
