Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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