it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
