One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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