$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Can I color on your dick again?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
