You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
