Christians are straight up FREAKS
My first STD was from a foam party
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
