I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
