I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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