I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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