Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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