I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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