that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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