Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
