I just pynch a tree in the face
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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