we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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