I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
