its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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