hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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