I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
