How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm always down for nudity.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
