I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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