Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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