I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
whose parrot is this?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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