you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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