I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
our cab driver is having phone sex.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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