When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
