don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
