how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
