im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She needs sedatives and a leash
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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