you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
