If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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