I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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