Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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