I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize