I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
