Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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