youre lurking in front of me
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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