Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
