Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
