do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
