Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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