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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
