it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
we should paint friendship bongs
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
