is your mom at the bar?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
