Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
