so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
is that a dick in a sweater?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize