It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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