just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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