Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
