I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
