If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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