"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
