well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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