i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
