I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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