I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
