My hand turned me down
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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