i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
